the glossary · vocab cards

the words for what you’re feeling

every concept, bias and bit of vocabulary i lean on — defined plainly, in one place. these are the cards that pop up across the field guide.

glossary entries

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  • concept

    limerence

    An involuntary, obsessive state that feels like love: intrusive thoughts, a hunger for reciprocation, and a charge that gets stronger with uncertainty and weaker with security.

    Tennov, Love and Limerence ↗

  • word

    limerent object · LO

    The specific person a limerent state has attached itself to. Often more of a screen for the feeling than its real cause.

  • cognitive bias

    mere-exposure effect

    We come to prefer things simply because we’re exposed to them repeatedly. A lot of “chemistry” is really just proximity and familiarity.

    Zajonc, 1968 ↗

  • cognitive bias

    misattribution of arousal · the shaky-bridge effect

    We mislabel where a bodily feeling comes from — reading adrenaline, nerves or fear as attraction to whoever happens to be nearby.

    Dutton & Aron, 1974 ↗

  • concept

    anxious attachment

    An attachment style marked by a fear of abandonment and a pull toward inconsistent partners. The obsessive-thought machinery that limerence loves to borrow.

    Attachment theory ↗

  • concept

    avoidant attachment

    An attachment style that copes with closeness by creating distance — valuing independence and pulling back when intimacy deepens.

    Attachment theory ↗

  • concept

    split-attraction model · SAM

    The idea that romantic and sexual attraction are distinct and can point in different directions — the backbone of the whole field guide.

  • word

    squish

    A platonic crush: the urgent, nervous wish to be close to someone with no romantic component at all.

  • word

    alterous attraction

    The desire for emotional closeness that is neither platonic nor romantic — something orthogonal to both. Contested, and useful anyway.

  • word

    queerplatonic relationship · QPR

    A committed relationship that doesn’t follow the norms of romance or ordinary friendship — its own category of closeness.

    Wikipedia ↗

  • word

    demisexual

    Experiencing sexual attraction only after a strong emotional bond has formed. One point on the asexual spectrum.

  • word

    gray-asexual · gray-a

    Sitting in the grey area of the asexual spectrum: sexual attraction that’s rare, faint, or only under specific conditions.

  • study

    the 200 hours

    It takes roughly 50 hours to make a casual friend, 90 to a friend, and 200+ to a close one — which is why adult friendship is so hard.

    Hall, 2019 ↗

  • study

    the 36 questions

    A set of escalating questions shown to build closeness between strangers through mutual self-disclosure — proof intimacy can be built deliberately.

    Aron et al., 1997 ↗

  • concept

    the sunset test

    A way to spot aesthetic attraction: like a sunset, you want to look and nothing else — there’s no next step, the looking is the whole event.